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FFXIV’s Heavensturn event offers you giant cocks, pounding from the Strongman By Tony Garsow on January 1, 2017 at 7:14 PM

It’s a brand-new year which means another Heavensturn seasonal event in Final Fantasy XIV is here.

Returning from the Far East, where traveling is mostly done on horseback, a festival delegation springs into action to celebrate the Year of the Cock. What better place to celebrate than Eorzea, where everyone gets around on the back of their trusty giant yellow cock? Unfortunately for the tori bugyo, it seems not everyone’s taken to the idea (bizarre, no?)

In order to woo the commonfolk, the bugyo have a plan to gift everyone with delicious mochi — freshly pounded by a cyclops known as the The Strongman.

We document it all in the video below:

Heavensturn will run until January 16th — we’ve got more details here.

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  • Boy that headline got me dead.

  • Starlord

    Yeah it’s quite.. interesting to say the least… xD.

  • Wazi the pa

    No words.

  • David Pinheiro

    err… im not sure if i want this, wtf is this headline hahahaha

  • Well, no wonder Ariana Grande decided to join…

  • Starlord

    Lots of em everywhere! How could she possibly deny that offer?! -.-.

    *exits stage right*

  • Zach Hagler

    And the joke bait has been taken. Mission accomplished.

  • Starlord

    Dat is some top notch journalism right there ;). 10/10 would read again!

  • Breathless

    I’d like to believe the set-up is intentional. Sure mochi pounding is a thing in general, but when you can pair pounding with cocks – let’s just say it’s about the only fun/good part of this event. Because the actual thing itself is a perfect copy-paste of last year’s.

  • Jennifermcortina

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    !ou196c:
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  • Noctis

    giant cocks you really wrote that?

  • Starlord

    I mean, how can you see anything but what everyone is thinking about upon reading the headline? XD.

  • Jesus Christ

    Tony, you were you trying to turn me on with that headline

    It’s working 😉

    ( ).( )

  • stevenm281

    I know right! Giant Cocks Pounding…. YES PLEASE

  • Marymboggs

    Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !uy254c:
    On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
    !uy254c:
    ➽➽
    ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash544MarketInfoGetPay$97Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★::::::!uy254c:….,….

  • Jesus Christ

    Amen to that sister.

    Is that what Cor does? LOLOL amma shut up.

  • Ryuke

    When doing the event in-game last night I thought to myself “I’m not be the only one seeing this entire quest line as one big innuendo, am I?!”

    Good to know I wasn’t! I’ll continue to chuckle. I love the XIV dev team.

  • stevenm281

    well he does have a giant cock and he does the pounding so… yeah… 😛

  • Phlegon

    Nobody can pass Giant Cocks.

  • Jesus Christ

    You nasty as H3ll and I love it.

    Thanks for baring with me on this website. You know we have differing views about XV.

  • chosen105

    The title for this article is epic lol

  • stevenm281

    My best friend and I don’t share the same feelings and opinions on things most of the time either so its no biggie, you are fun to chat with, that’s all that matters.

  • Jesus Christ

    I’m just glad you get me. You know I mean no harm. That’s the biggest thing.

  • Katierhurst

    Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !ut392c:
    On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
    !ut392c:
    ➽➽
    ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash692ShopForceGetPay$97Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★::::::!ut392c:….,…….